are you spiraling?

We’ve all known the feeling: a coworker or a peer makes one side comment, and suddenly your thoughts are racing. Questions like…

“What could they have meant by that?”

“Do they like me?”

The more you think about it, the questions get deeper:

“Am I good enough to be here?”

A simple comment all of a sudden has you questioning yourself, and you can’t help but ruminate. Why does it feel like a situation we could have - and maybe should have - let go becomes the impetus for self-doubt?

why we spiral

Stanford University Psychology Professor Gregory Walton has some answers for us. In a recent article in Behavioral Scientist, he lays out why we spiral and what we can do about it.

It’s common to take something small and create a large theory in your head about what it could mean, and from this make big assessments about your own self-worth and sense of belonging. We’ve all done it, so there’s no need to feel like there’s anything wrong with you for not being able to shake it off, even when it may seem innocuous on the surface. In fact, Walton even has a name for it; he calls this a “tifbit”: a tiny fact, big theory.

A friend didn’t text you back and you now think they’re mad at you. Somebody made a funny face while you were presenting over Zoom, and you assume you made a mistake. Somebody’s email tone sounds a little bit off, and you spend hours deciphering.

We take these small interactions and make big theories about whether or not we belong - especially at work. But why do we descend into this negative feedback loop?

Well, usually this tifbit hints at some feeling that was already lingering, and this small interaction has brought it to the forefront. For example, if you’re new at your job, or school, you may already feel like you don’t know where your place is. But when someone makes a side comment that could be interpreted as you don’t belong, you take their inch and run a mile with it.

When we spiral, we have to recognize that, in most cases, the thoughts we are having tell more about our feelings than what anybody else thinks.

how to deal with a spiral

What can we do when we spiral? One of the key ways to turn your negative feedback loop into a positive one is by reflecting. Ask yourself the following question:

Why am I looking for this specific conclusion when someone says something to me?

You could take some time to journal, talk it out with a friend, or even carve some time out in your day to relax, sit at a bench in the nice fall weather, and think about how you’ve been feeling lately. Oftentimes, you will find the real reason behind your spiral.

Professor Walton calls this spiraling up: using a small stressor or challenge and, instead of letting it fester, letting it lead to greater self-awareness. In that sense, it’s good that Kevin from Marketing said something sassy because it enabled you to understand your own feelings and motivations better. You can use that feedback to make positive changes.

If you feel insecure about your knowledge in X, consider taking a class in it. If you’re feeling lonely, phone a friend or family member. If you feel stuck in your job, well, maybe it’s time for a pivot. Spiraling up enables you to have greater sense of self and conviction in your own role within your community, organization, classroom, etc.

Spiraling happens, but here’s the positive thing: you’re always more capable than you think you are. And if you need a quick reminder, we at Tennie think you’re doing great and deserve to be in the room.